This week has seemed really busy. I can't believe it is already Wednesday. Well I have decided to answer Leslie's question:
Who was the first person you knew (personally) with a blog?&/orWhose blog inspired you to start your own?
This really got me thinking so I have decided to share a story, it is the kind with the moral at the end. Shelley leaving me/ Leslie's playgroup blog definately had an impact on starting my own (which is only 1 month old) but the the 1st blog I ready regularly was by a friend A. A and I are very different, it tastes, in beliefs, but we shared some of the same struggles and we worked together closely for a about 2 years.
So A and I both struggled with infertility, for a lot of people they go through this by themselves, but during this situation, I was blessed with two coworkers/close friends who were dealing with the same thing, one had just gotten pregnant via invitro, and so her five years of infertility were a good resource for me. The other was A. She actually convinced me to go to the doctor, I was very afraid to be a mother and seeing a doctor about this made me feel like I had admitted defeat as a woman, as a person, etc.
To fast forward a few months, we both got pregnant, and our due dates were the same day coincidentally. I thought this would be a happy ending for both of us, and I was actually just as excited for her as I was for myself, because we understood this struggle. She excitedly told a few people, which turned into all of work knowing. I hesitated for a while, I actually got really scared that things wouldn't go as anticipated. A few weeks later A miscarried. It was hard because so many people knew, it was hard because we had been such good friends, and then one day we had this barrier between us, that couldn't be dealt with easily. We stopped talking for a while, then a while longer, and then maybe slight conversion, but only in the presence of others, and never the heart to hearts like we had done. And I didn't tell people I was pregnant for a long, long time.
At this point, I would say I tried as a friend, when you work with someone so closely it makes for not only an awkward situation, but tense work environment. A missed a lot of work during the nine months of my pregnancy. She all but avoided me. I just sucked it up for nine months, which I usually wouldn't have done, but once you have a deep conversation and heart to heart with someone, you know that behavior has something more than just being rude, their are wounds. In addition, I know how I had felt internally the year before when my friends would tell me they were pregnant, and on the outside you think why you, and not me? I have since decided to try and make a not the not so easy effort to be happy for people who have things, situations, or positions that I wish to have. Because what right do I have to take away their happiness? Why not them? When I catch myself coveting this is a good reminder. A asked me not to show her the ultrasound.
A didn't come to the baby shower they had for me at work. At that point, it had been eight months, and I thought maybe we will never talk as we once did. I would sometimes go home so upset and tell Gary, who was at good listening. I wasn't mad at her, I understood, but I also was hurt a lot. It is just that very I let very few people into who I really am (an insecurity I am working with), but few people really know me and and regarding this huge thing in my life, she did, and now she didn't care. And I felt like I couldn't get excited either or I was rubbing it in.
Anyway, to wind up the story, the day Lily came, I had a suprise visitor in my hospital room. I found out that she had suffered through two more miscarriages, and serious depression. I found out that things were not what they appeared on the surface, and I gained my friend back. I also found out that she did care, she just couldn't face it. I also found out about her blog, which allowed me to understand what she was going through.
I also am glad I waited it out. That I didn't snap or tell her to get over it, because I don't think I would have been close to her every again.
Now we are not best friends, we don't keep in touch regularly, but friends...we live very far away from each other, but we get each other's christmas cards and updates on life. And we both have two beautiful little girls....
1 comment:
that must have been so hard. i had the same thing happen to me, sort of, i was pregnant at the same time as a friend at work, but i hadn't told anyone, then one day i called in and said i couldn't come in, that i had miscarried. my office was surprised, obviously, and i could tell my friend felt weird and bad at the same time. i remember coming back to work, and hugging her, right around her growing belly, and just crying on her shoulder. it was very difficult, but time has healed, as it always does. thanks for sharing and listening. you're a wonderful person, pam. :)
Post a Comment