A story

This week has seemed really busy. I can't believe it is already Wednesday. Well I have decided to answer Leslie's question:

Who was the first person you knew (personally) with a blog?&/orWhose blog inspired you to start your own?

This really got me thinking so I have decided to share a story, it is the kind with the moral at the end. Shelley leaving me/ Leslie's playgroup blog definately had an impact on starting my own (which is only 1 month old) but the the 1st blog I ready regularly was by a friend A. A and I are very different, it tastes, in beliefs, but we shared some of the same struggles and we worked together closely for a about 2 years.

So A and I both struggled with infertility, for a lot of people they go through this by themselves, but during this situation, I was blessed with two coworkers/close friends who were dealing with the same thing, one had just gotten pregnant via invitro, and so her five years of infertility were a good resource for me. The other was A. She actually convinced me to go to the doctor, I was very afraid to be a mother and seeing a doctor about this made me feel like I had admitted defeat as a woman, as a person, etc.

To fast forward a few months, we both got pregnant, and our due dates were the same day coincidentally. I thought this would be a happy ending for both of us, and I was actually just as excited for her as I was for myself, because we understood this struggle. She excitedly told a few people, which turned into all of work knowing. I hesitated for a while, I actually got really scared that things wouldn't go as anticipated. A few weeks later A miscarried. It was hard because so many people knew, it was hard because we had been such good friends, and then one day we had this barrier between us, that couldn't be dealt with easily. We stopped talking for a while, then a while longer, and then maybe slight conversion, but only in the presence of others, and never the heart to hearts like we had done. And I didn't tell people I was pregnant for a long, long time.

At this point, I would say I tried as a friend, when you work with someone so closely it makes for not only an awkward situation, but tense work environment. A missed a lot of work during the nine months of my pregnancy. She all but avoided me. I just sucked it up for nine months, which I usually wouldn't have done, but once you have a deep conversation and heart to heart with someone, you know that behavior has something more than just being rude, their are wounds. In addition, I know how I had felt internally the year before when my friends would tell me they were pregnant, and on the outside you think why you, and not me? I have since decided to try and make a not the not so easy effort to be happy for people who have things, situations, or positions that I wish to have. Because what right do I have to take away their happiness? Why not them? When I catch myself coveting this is a good reminder. A asked me not to show her the ultrasound.

A didn't come to the baby shower they had for me at work. At that point, it had been eight months, and I thought maybe we will never talk as we once did. I would sometimes go home so upset and tell Gary, who was at good listening. I wasn't mad at her, I understood, but I also was hurt a lot. It is just that very I let very few people into who I really am (an insecurity I am working with), but few people really know me and and regarding this huge thing in my life, she did, and now she didn't care. And I felt like I couldn't get excited either or I was rubbing it in.

Anyway, to wind up the story, the day Lily came, I had a suprise visitor in my hospital room. I found out that she had suffered through two more miscarriages, and serious depression. I found out that things were not what they appeared on the surface, and I gained my friend back. I also found out that she did care, she just couldn't face it. I also found out about her blog, which allowed me to understand what she was going through.

I also am glad I waited it out. That I didn't snap or tell her to get over it, because I don't think I would have been close to her every again.

Now we are not best friends, we don't keep in touch regularly, but friends...we live very far away from each other, but we get each other's christmas cards and updates on life. And we both have two beautiful little girls....

A really Cute girl

Highlight of the morning...I went running with the jogging stroller, I am getting in shape for skiing, but I couldn't go to the gym because I had Lily duty. So we went to the park and worked out...I did 50+ squats...and Lily tried to do them too. Her version was counting to one and bending both knees as she would walk with me. I wish I had a picture of that...

Ramblings

Missed a few days. Since it is pretty early in the morning, 4:20, to be exact, and I have been reading others blogs, I thought I would just ramble a bit. My questions, friends, family, and strangers is this....

What is the one thing you would like to people to remember you for?

After comtemplating this as only early morning contemplations can bring, I have decided that I hope people remember how much I care about them. Let me explain a little. I am from a family on nonverbal expressors. I am not great at keeping in contact with people I have known, and cared about a lot. I usually send the last email, but if they do not reply I don't really continue. I don't really like talking on the phone, because I think I am bothering people, and I dread calling people I don't have a close relationship with...and I mean dread. I really do think about the people I know and situations they go through a lot... I like everyone to feel comfortable, if they are not, I am not.... I think about people a lot, how I can help them, what they and/or their families are dealing with, and I hope that they know that I think about that. But how would they if I don't verbally express that? And sometimes when I do verbally express that it comes off sounding generic. Maybe everyone feels that way. Gary says I worry/care too much...but he is the same way with his friends (that is something I admire in him).

The interesting thing is that I admire in others is the ability to verbally reach out to people and let them know they care or would help.... and mean it... I guess it is a goal to work toward.

Anyway, how about you?

Sunday

Today church was really good. I felt a little out of place with Gary home with Lily who is still recovering. I have decided to keep her away from other kids at church for good reason. It seems everyone is sick. It is really interesting to see her sick. She is still a crazy little kid. She just gets worn out a lot quicker. And she sounds like she is a chain smoker. It is interesting to hear baby noise with a hoarse voice. It makes me feel so sad for her. But time will heal what antibiotics cannot, hopefully. I am still a paranoid mom.

Lily Highlights of the day:
1) Moving the kitchen chair to climb on the table (which of course she knows she is NOT allowed to do)
2) Watching her trying to jump...she bends her knees so hard, but can't seem to get off the ground. Then she tries again and get one foot off. Keep trying Miss Bean

Goals:
1) Get the oil changed.
2) Read my scriptures everyday.
3) Start working out in the mornings.
4) Study Spanish.

Things I Like/Hate

These are things I Like:
1) Brownies with chocolate chips or crushed up Symphony bars
2) When my house is completely picked up (right before piano lessons)
3) When Lily smiles at me michieviously
4) My eyebrows plucked, and my hair down
5) Dressing up fancy for special occasions
6) Eating things I have grown myself (right now that is carrots, cilantro and peas)
7) Setting the table nice for guests (presentation is everything)
8) Getting in a work mode and getting a ton done
9) Gary's crazy little hobbies (ex. worm farm)
10) Sitting around and talking deep...usually this has to done with girls, but if it is something off Wikipedia or from the AMA or life changing Gary will participate
11) People that make you feel good about yourself
12) Still Chicken Cordon Bleu, Apple Dumplings, Molasses Cookies, and Falafels, and Gyros
13) Good Chick flics, and a friend to watch them with (cuz Gary wouldn't in his life)
14) Being outside on a nice day...doing practically anything.


Things I hate:
1) People who try to 1up you.
2) Being tired or getting the flu.
3) Dirty kitchens, especially my own.
4) Poo in the tub.
5) Stress that makes you have a headache.
6) When people don't really understand your motives or misjudge you.
7) When I hurt people's feelings.
8) Awkward situations (or those that I make awkward)
10) Vietnamese sandwichs with fatty meat and raw eggs (this is for you Shelley)

Well not much today... rather dull. Lily looks like a child who should not be taken outside. She is crazy wild, jumping and running, but she is coughing and yucky nose, so we are staying inside all day. I have played the piano for the last 3 hours and read books to Lily, So I suppose we will get the kitchen spotless, dust, mend Gary's pants, and then sit in front of a movie and work on projects. I am feeling a little cooped, but all in the name of the motherhood.

Now if I only had a really good chic flick and some chocolate chip cookies, brownies, toffee, or other form of chocolate. My life would be complete.

As for Lily, she is currently trying to wind the cord to our headphones aroung her neck....

Hi. Did I mention, Lily is cutest Bean ever.

She has had an eventful 2 days. Yesterday, she had a friend over to "Start the Band". She was bubbly and happy, until her friend went home....then she went down for an afternoon nap and moaned the whole hour, and then finally I got her up and took her temp, and she had a fever of 101. Now, I know that is not so alarming to some, but considering she has never had a fever that high, I called the doctor right away, and by 1:40 we were at the dr's office. She had a major ear infection. Guess that runny nose was not just the wind afterall. This is really the first time she has ever been sick. She is not contagious, due to the Bubblegum flavored antibiotics we have faithfully been dosing her, but she is sleeping more than usual (she got up at 8:00 instead of 6:00) Yeah for Sleep.

Anyway, she is still cute, and enjoys being extra pampered.

As for me, highlight of the day, was when she pulled out the bag of marshmellows from the hall and sat them on my lap whimpering for me to open the bag. Considering she has only had 1 marshmellow in her life (which happened to be yesterday) it was really cute. How could I not reward her for such a good memory?

Happy Valentine's Day.

To my Valentine:

Reasons why I love you:
1) You are very cute, especially with you hair slightly longer and curly.
2) You make a list of things that I like or make me happy and do them for special occasions.
3) You always find deals.
4) You are a very good dad, and get up in the middle of the night just to hug your daughter when her tummy hurts.
5) You destress me.
6) You try to make our lawn very beautiful.
7) You make an effort to be with your family.
8) You let me stay up talking to my sister and don't get mad even when you want me to come to bed.
9) You always tell me I can succeed in what I try to do. (except going to Hollywood of course)
10) You are my favorite.

For those of you who don't remember, I got engaged on Valentine's Day 4 years ago. I swore never to involve such a cheesy Holiday in my memorable dates, but then I was not the one who proposed. Although I was pretty terrified at the time (really I was), I think I made a great decision....

Windy and Bald makes a cold Head.

Today was beautiful. Perfect Weather, but very windy. Due to the wind, Lily had a very runny nose, I really don't think she has a cold, but when it is cold or windy outside she tends to get a runny nose, as do I. And she is fine indoors. But we went to the park, because I can not sit inside all day long when Lily is bouncing off the walls. I just told all the other children to not touch Lily, because we had forgotten Kleenexes. I really did. You'd think this was odd, but it seems everytime we go to the park, (and because Lily is still Bald) kids think she is a tiny baby and want to touch her and pat her head. Today I told the other kids she had germs. Maybe I should say that more often. Being a microbiologist, I feel I have a good balance with germs. Some are helpful, some harmful, and I am not obsessed about cleanliness with my child, although we have antibacterial gel, she plays in the wood chips at the park like every other kid. But I do not really like other children I don't know touching Lily's face and ears, and rubbing her head. Is that so wrong?

On a side note, I spent another hour pulling clover out of my lawn. It was very therapeutic. I feel I am the only female in this state who like working outside. But that is okay, I am a country girl at heart. Now if only my tomatoes and blackberries would grow....

Poo, Keys and Guitar

Ever since I had the flu about 3 weeks ago, I have been overly sensitive to smells. So when Lily decided for the 2nd time in her little life to poo in the tub, it wasn't a good combination. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever dealt with in respect to Lily.

For those getting sick about now, I will change the subject. Today was uneventful other than locking my keys in the car in the pouring rain, luckily the nice Statefarm agent played with Lily and gave me a bottled water while I waited for Triple A.

G's test week is pretty uneventful so far. One of my Asian piano students, who called me and talked for a half hour two weeks ago to beg me to teach lessons on Saturday, ( and which after a half hour of telling me how great I am...I live for flattery I agreed. I don't really want to assume that I am probably the cheapest piano teacher around) Anyway, now called today begging for guitar lessons. I think G should do it. He feels a little underqualified, but I don't think so. We'll see how that goes.

The start of something new....

So, it has begun. I have decided after much deliberating to start a blog. G assures me I will not be pouring my heart out to the vast public. After having my sis. here last week I realized I am missing a lot of the intimate details of my family's life, probably because they live 300-1000 miles away. So, I will try for a daily blog just to keep you and me updated on my life. Reason #2 Whenever I want to call anyone, family or friends to tell them news or chat, I feel like I am interupting them or they are busy doing something else, so this lets everyone get on at their convenience. Please feel free to put comments. It is not the same as living next door, but it is a start.

So today was unusually good. Tonight G played the guitar and we sat around and sang songs. This sounds very odd, because it is very odd for us. But it was a bit of nice family bonding time, and he is actually very good on the guitar.

My goals for this week:

1) Keep my house clean.
2) Pick weeds
3) Eat Healthy, well-planned meals
4) Keep G stress-free (a test week)
5) More organized activity with L-Bean more.